


Only you know the way that I break.

by Pixueta



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: 1991, AU, Acceptance, Drama, F/M, Gay Pride, Love, M/M, Reddie, Sonia Kaspbrak is Not That Bad, no pennywise, probably sex, self love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-12 12:52:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15340272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixueta/pseuds/Pixueta
Summary: Because, sometimes, we just need to be reminded that we're not alone, that we're not different, everyone in their own unique way is part of something bigger and special.Because, sometimes, even the sight of love can cure the most broken of souls.or the one in which Eddie Kaspbrak learns about self love and acceptance.





	1. idontwannabeyouanymore

**Author's Note:**

> So: hi everyone, this is my first fanfiction on this site and I hope you get to enjoy it as much as I enjoy other fanfictions on here!  
> It's mainly about acceptance and self love, both things that are extremely important in one's life. I as a part of the LGBTQ+ community have a very strong connection to these themes, and I hope to reach out to as many people who need to hear kind words as possible!   
> If you need to talk it out with someone, hit me up on IG (sonounlama), I'm always open for friendships and advice/help.
> 
> Besides this little introduction, I'd like to specify that: as for the age of the characters, I refer to the IT (2017) film //well duh//, and as for Pennywise: fuck you! There's no paranormal shit in here.

It was 1991, and while the world seemed to be spinning at an incredible speed, everything in Derry was still.  
Nothing about that little town could hint that they were nearing another era, only nine years to 2000, and Derry was still a repressive, close minded town.

It was 1991, February, nine months to Eddie Kaspbrak's birthday, when his life completely changed and, for once, he felt like he was in control of his own decisions.  
It was nothing like his little rebellions against his overbearing mother after having discovered that she had been lying to him for years, back when he was fourteen, it was loud and sudden like the crashing of an airplane. And what ignited the fire that burned inside Eddie's chest, was _love._

__

Because, sometimes, we just need to be reminded that we're _not_ alone, that we're not different, everyone in their own unique way is part of something bigger and special.  
Because, sometimes, even the sight of love can cure the most broken of souls. 

That day, Eddie had been walking home from school in a sour mood.  
He was dreading going back home, hoping that his mom would be asleep or out of the house, not feeling in the mood for stupid bickering anyway.  
Then, as he crossed the street, he froze on the spot: just a few steps ahead of him, two men were holding hands, smiling like crazy.  
One of them had a camera with him, and was taking pictures of everything around them; a lady made a face and told them something along the lines of 'disgusting'; Eddie winced, but the two men gave her the finger and _kissed.  
He realized he was staring so he just ducked his head, embarrassed, and kept on walking; when he brushed past them, he heard one say “Gosh, I can't wait to go back to New York. I forgot how bad Derry was.”_

__

Eddie went home with a new feeling in his chest, of genuine joy and relief.  
He wasn't stupid, he knew there were other gay people around the world – not so likely around Derry, okay –, but actually seeing someone be openly in love without regrets was completely different. 

And just like that, on a boring and ordinary Thursday of February, Eddie went home, dropped his backpack into the living room and stated “I need a new wardrobe.”  
His mother had stared at him, quite surprised, because he wasn't the kind of kid who requested tons of things. He almost never asked for money or particular foods, let alone _clothes._

__

Sonia knew her son was growing up – well, maybe not so much physically, but still –, that he needed to make his own decisions, and was at a point in life in which she had to make a decision between herself and her son.  
She wasn't clueless, she _knew_ or at least suspected that his son was interested in guys; she had started suspecting it two years ago, when Eddie insisted on staying home with his weird group of friends instead of going to the winter ball, and had found him actually cuddling with Tozier.  
And she had _hoped_ he'd grow out of it, or something, but as the years passed his son seemed everyday less interested in girls – not even cute ones that she had tried to set him up with. Harshness and grounding hadn't worked, much like faking his illness hadn't, and when she realized she could lose her son she knew she had to do something about it. 

So instead of mumbling another 'no' to him, she stood up and said “Give me twenty minutes and we'll go.”  
Eddie actually _gaped_ at her, at which she kind of wanted to roll her eyes because hey! – she was no monster. 

 

True to her words, thirty minutes later they were wandering around a big store.  
Eddie had filled a cart with shoes and clothes he wanted to try on, and Sonia had decided she didn't want to look at them before he tried them on, repeating in her head like a mantra that, as long as her son was happy, everything was fine.

First off, he checked the shoes number and decided to keep two pairs of Converse: a black one and a light blue one.  
Okay, everything fine.  
Then he started changing into the clothes he wanted to buy.  
First of all, he tried an overall, which was cute, Sonia had to admit.  
In a quirky-nerdy kind of way, but still cute.  
Then he went on and tried on different sweaters, till he stopped to a soft pink pullover.  
He bit his lip, thinking of his mother waiting outside for him, at her possible reaction. 

He then shrugged and slipped it on, opening the curtain.  
There was a moment of silence, in which only their breathing could be heard. He held her gaze, though, never faltering.  
“Eddie, darling – don't you think that's too...feminine?” she chose her words slowly, clearly trying to change his mind about that particular choice of color.  
“And here I thought you were actually going to let me have anything my way” he said, maybe a little more forcefully than he intended “it's okay, though, I should be toning my colors down, right? Or people will _talk”._  
“That's not–”  
“Then tell me what is it, Ma” he interrupted her, eyes almost bright with tears “are you afraid that I might be gay? What if I were? Would you hate me, shame me, disown me?”  
“Eddie” she said, stern, but then her eyes softened. 

__

_'That's it'_ , she thought, _'Choose. Lose your son for your own selfish idea of the perfect child, or love him and let him free. You owe him that much'._

And, out of nowhere, she hugged him “I'm sorry. I'm a terrible mother, I know, I've realized that much. And if I came here today, and watched you try all those pastel clothes on, it's because I'm willing to change.”  
Eddie sobbed, hugging her back “I just don't want you to hate me more.”  
“I never hated you, Eddie-bear” she struggled to keep her voice from quivering “I could never hate you. You have every right to hate me, though, but just know that I love you more than life itself. And nothing, not your sexuality or your clothes could ever change that.”  
They hugged some more, crying, ignoring the stares of the people that passed them. 

Eddie had never imagined his coming out to be in a changing room, with his mom hugging him fiercely.  
But there he was, eyes red and puffy, with a pink pullover on.  
Sonia pulled away first, wiping at her eyes, “I think you should take it.”  
“What?” he asked, confused, voice groggy.  
“Take it. It suits you.”

They didn't stay for long, Eddie just tossing the stuff he figured would fit him back in the cart.  
They looked around some more, and finally left. 

“Should we stop to pick up something to eat?” Sonia asked, in the car.  
“I thought...that maybe, you'd want to cook something? Together? Like old times.” he suggested, smiling a little at her. 

And that's just how they spent their night, cooking and laughing like he was eight again, and nothing mattered in the world.  
They ate spaghetti for dinner, which he wouldn't tell Richie to keep him from pestering him about how he shared his spaghetti with his mom but not him – yeah, that's the kind of thing he'd tell him for days. 

“I think I'm gonna head to bed” Eddie sighed contentedly after washing the dishes.  
His mother was already sitting on her recliner, TV on, but eyes on him.  
“I...” he took a step forward, chewing his lip, then said “goodnight mom. I love you.”  
He kissed her cheek and went upstairs.  
And Sonia cried just a little bit, because it was the first time in years that she received a kiss without asking for it.

\--- 

That morning, for the first time in a while, Eddie woke up in a good mood.  
He wore his high waisted jeans and was about to put on his pink pullover, when he stopped with his arms mid air – his mother knew, now, but his friends still didn't. Without considering the whole school and the Bowers' Gang.  
He contemplated his options for a few minutes, and then stuffed the pink cloth back in the drawer, opting for a pale yellow sweater that he tucked into the jeans, topping it all with his light blue Converse.  
He looked at himself in the mirror, smiling at his new look, and bit his lip thinking about how the Losers would react. 

He didn't think they'd be mean about it, because they were like a family after all, but what if they were actually freaked out by him?  
He didn't think he could handle losing them – losing _Richie_ – more than he could handle losing his mother.

Without dwelling on it too much, he went downstairs and was surprised to find Sonia awake: she usually slept until nine, and he never bothered to wake her up just to say goodbye.  
She was standing in the kitchen, holding a bag out for him “Take it. For school.”  
“Thanks” he smiled, but then asked “why are you up?”  
“I just wanted to see you before going to school” she answered, smiling down at him “you look gorgeous. Be careful honey, and if you need me...call right away.”  
He knew what she meant by that, but he hoped that his clothes didn't bother anyone in particular anyway.

Fifteen minutes later, Eddie hopped off of his bike, locking it securely before going to their usual spot near Bill's locker.  
It was the furthest in the hallway, so everyone briefly stopped at theirs before going to his and meeting up with everyone.  
Surely enough, all of them were already there, chatting. 

He decided to play it cool – or to at least try to, – and just strolled up to them waving “Morning, guys.”  
“Is this the sweet sound of my Spa–” Richie's voice caught in his throat as he glanced at him, eyes threatening to bulge out of his skull.  
Everyone was staring at him with a kind of shock and surprise, eyeing his change of clothes and then his hair that, instead of being fiercely combed back, were let loose and curly.  
For a split second he thought they would seriously freak out, but then Ben spoke “You look good, Eddie. Really good.”  
Eddie beamed at him “Thanks, Ben. I just felt like changing a little.”

And just like that, everything flowed back to normal: Stan smiled at him, Bill ruffled his hair and Ben gave him a soft look before they slipped into their everyday talk.  
Everyone except Richie, who was still looking at his long-time best friend, cheeks flushed and mouth slightly agape.  
Something stirred inside his stomach just looking at Eddie's small body wrapped in that soft, a little too big sweater. He felt the urge to pick him up and kiss all over his face – _and woah, Rich, slow down._

__

“Trynna give this man a boner?” he quickly recovered, opting for a classic British accent, slinging an arm over Eddie's shoulders.  
“Y-you're hardly a muh-man” Bill retorted, his stutter almost gone thanks to years of patience; his parents had eventually sent him to a psychologist, since he still thought that Georgie's accident had been his fault.  
“Shut up, Billiam! I am a man – the greatest strongest wonderfulest man!” he countered, voice loud and eyes sparkling, while Eddie rolled his eyes and Ben chose to ignore him.  
“Wonderfulest isn't even a word” Stan said, looking deadly serious.  
“Who said so?”  
Eddie swore he could've seen Stan's lip twitch, be it because he secretly found Richie's jokes funny or because he felt like murdering him, he didn't know. 

The bell rang and everyone shouldered their backpacks, but before parting ways, Bill said “Are we s-still on for tom-m-morrow?”  
Eddie noticed him cringing at the pronounced stutter in the last sentence and smiled at him, wrinkling his nose in a way that said 'leave it alone', and Bill smiled back in one of his genuine smiles.  
“I'm on!” Richie was the first one to exclaim, pumping his fist in the air and smacking the side of Eddie's head in the process; everyone agreed and took off for their own classes, leaving the two bickering – _sorry Eds, thought you liked it rough._

__

It was a sort of ritual, Richie always walked Eddie to his first class of the day, rambling about random things. And for random, we mean random – it could be a rant on how much he hated a teacher, or a deep conversation about philosophy, or an angry vent about his parents. 

That day, though, the taller of the two opted for another topic “Why the sudden change?”  
He tried to appear uninterested, but Eddie could read right through every face, every stare, every cracking in his voice; and he knew he was surprised, maybe a little hurt he hadn't been told before the others.  
It had always been Richie and Eddie, not just because they were very touchy with each other, but because there was just _something_ there that none of them could quite place when they were younger; be it what it was, the feeling grew stronger as they grew up. 

“It really was sudden” Eddie explained, looking up at him with apologetic eyes “yesterday I went shopping with my mom.”  
He opted for a half-lie, not feeling totally comfortable spilling everything out while he was still processing it.  
“What? Mrs. K can actually get up from her recliner?” he seemed seriously stunned, and Eddie smacked his head playfully.  
“Play nice” he scolded “things have been getting better with her.”  
“They have?” this time, he was sincerely surprised, one of his rare soft smiles playing on his lips “I'm happy, Eds. So, what happened?”  
Eddie bit his lip, unaware of his friend's stare lingering on it for a moment too long, “Tell you tomorrow when we gather with the others?”  
The offer was good enough for Richie, who sensed it was a sensitive topic for Eddie and didn't want to push him.  
As they arrived to Eddie's class, they parted and promised to see each other at lunch. 

When he found himself alone in the room, with people actually staring at him like he'd grown two heads, Eddie sighed to himself and resisted the urge to go in the bathroom and puke.  
“Okay Eddie, you got this” he whispered to himself, breathing “from today on, _take no shit.”_


	2. ocean eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 3.30 AM here and I should really get some sleep, but I loved writing this chapter so much and I just wanted to publish it so badly, so here I am. (and I have to wake up at 7 AM, YAY!).  
> Hope you enjoy, as always, and hit me up on IG for small talk and shit on both my fan account areyoureddieforthis (on which I can't post for now due to phone problems) and my personal sonounlama.  
> Kudos, comments and bookmarks are highly appreciated! <3

Saturday night rolled around quickly, Richie spending most of his morning sleeping and the rest of his afternoon staring at the ceiling, or smoking.

His house was awfully quiet, that's why he was always at one of the others' house; but Saturday mornings were usually lonely, with the Losers being with their respective families.  
Beverly used to keep him company, but after she moved away, those mornings had become duller and duller as he grew up. 

One might think that his parents actually tried fixing things up, if not with him, at least between them. But it was the complete opposite: while they used to interact, nowadays they just ignored each other, barley even remembering they had a house and a son, the only thing that they remembered about was leaving Richie money before they disappeared for who knew how long; screw the money, he just wanted to feel someone, to feel _loved._

That's why his childish sexual innuendos had actually turned into hook-ups, when he was around fifteen years old. He had made out with several girls from his school, and even got a blowjob from a few boys; he was never one to worry about his sexuality, he simply was Richie Tozier and he liked who he liked.

None of the hook-ups were permanent, though; they slipped through his fingers like sand, because he wasn't that person who got attached to another one, no. He just looked for that temporary feeling of _something_ to keep him from going numb. 

As he left for Bill's, he contemplated going to Eddie's to pick him up, ride together on his bike like old times, and at the thought of his friend his heart fluttered – again. He seriously didn't get why he was getting so worked up for that sudden change, he was still his best friend, still his Spaghetti-O.

He hadn't realized, deep in thought, that he had arrived at said boy's house, and was already standing on the front porch, hand raised to knock.  
Unable to go away now, given that Mrs. Kaspbrak had already seen him from her window, he knocked and waited for an answer.  
The woman appeared at the door, “Hello, Richard. What brings you here?”  
“I – uh, I came to pick Eddie up. It's the weekend, we have to go to Bill's.”  
Something about her _felt_ different, but she still looked the same, and she still had that unnerving habit of calling him by his full name even though she knew he didn't like it one bit.  
“Eddie-bear!” she yelled, “Richard is here to pick you up!”  
She motioned for him to get inside, which was new, since he hadn't been in there in something like two years – except for Eddie's room, in which he sneaked in all the time.

Eddie was down in a matter of seconds: he was wearing his usual high waisted jeans – which had become a must for him – and a plain white and yellow striped shirt, tucked in.  
“I didn't know you'd be stopping by” he commented, smiling nonetheless (he seemed to do that more lately) “Imma go Ma! See ya!”  
He shouldered his backpack and followed Richie outside, “Bye Mrs. K!”

“Your mom was in a good mood” he said, then a smirk found its way on his face “guess you should thank me, it probably is because of how good I banged her yesterday!”  
Eddie smacked his arm but ignored his teasing, hopping on his bike “What brought you here anyway?”  
“Aw, Eds, and here I thought you'd appreciate my demonstration of endless devotion to you” Richie pouted, glancing over his shoulder at the boy, who rolled his eyes.  
“'M kidding. Just wanted to see you.”  
Once again Richie's voice was soft, something that had always been just for Eddie.

They stayed in comfortable silence until they arrived at Bill's, where everyone's bikes were parked (or thrown on the grass).  
“I'm heeere!” Richie sing-sang from the porch, where seconds later Bill appeared, giving him a pointed look; he said nothing though, since it was pointless to tell his friend not to yell if he did it anyways.  
“What's hot and poppin', Billiard?” he soon asked, already kicking off his shoes “Except me, obviously.”  
“W-w-we literally saw each ot-ther yesterday. There's nothing n-new” the other one deadpanned.

“Just ignore him, Billy” Eddie said, “he only wanted to use that stupid line.”  
Bill smiled brightly at him and hugged him, and just like with Richie, he was engulfed by the taller figure completely. Only it were two different sensations: Bill was leaner, smelled of something fresh and oddly familiar; after all, he had been Eddie's safe space when everything went to shit with his mom when he was twelve. He remembered the countless nights he spent at Bill's, sneaking in and out like it was his own house, the taller one always offering him open arms to cry into when things got too much.

Richie, on the other hand, was not lean but _skinny_ , taller than Bill, and smelled of cigarettes and something else, something rich and earthy that always left Eddie dizzy and content. Richie was special to Eddie in a way none of the Losers were, but he blamed it on them being very close growing up with their bickering; Richie had taken on Eddie in a different way, carrying a spare inhaler and a few band-aids around just for him and making sure Eddie's seat was clean before he sat in restaurants. It was just...different, but they were okay with that.

He was pulled away from his thoughts as Mike barreled into the room, grabbing him by his wrist and making him spin in his place “Look at that! I like this new style, Eddie! It suits you.”  
The smaller one smiled at him, trying to hide his blush “Thanks, Mike.”  
“To what do we owe the special change?” the other one asked while they entered the living room, where Stan and Ben were.  
Eddie could feel Richie's stare burning on the back of his neck, but he decided to push the matter aside and shrugged “Felt like I needed to.”

“Seems right to me” Ben said, supportive as always; as he could feel Eddie's crescent uneasiness, he changed the topic “Beverly called yesterday.”  
As always, that caught the attention of everyone.  
“She is coming to visit us...” Ben left a little bit of suspense until someone threw him a pillow from the sofa “this spring break!”

Everyone cheered, excited to the thought of finally seeing the missing piece so soon; not every year she could make it for spring break, and they often saw her during summer – though they couldn't really complain, since she usually stayed whole summer break.

She had always been the closing member of their Club, and even being the only girl in the group, it was never awkward: she was just one of the coolest people ever; she and Bill even had a fling, and they shared a kiss before she moved away, but they came to the conclusion that what they felt was nothing more than brotherly love – luckily enough for everyone, as their break-up left everything like it had always been, like nothing ever happened between the two.

After that, Ben had started saving pocket money to call her on the public phone at least once a month, back when there were no cellphones. He had also been the only one to own a mobile phone, almost as soon as they were accessible to the public – with a lot of begging and extra chores.  
The two had then started calling each other almost daily, and started dancing around their feelings; they still hadn't gotten together, but everyone was pretty sure they'd end up married one day.

“Oh my god I _so_ miss her” Richie groaned, “can we call her tomorrow? Just to say hi and talk a while?”  
Ben nodded, as he always did, because who would turn down a group call to Bev? It was always hilarious.  
“I miss her laugh, and her snarky remarks” Stan said quietly, “sometimes I feel like her absence is heavy on the group.”  
“It sure is, Stan the Man, but now's not the time to pour on us all your bottled-up feelings – I suggest you speak to a therapist for that!” Richie jumped up from the sofa, his smirk making Stan feel like hitting him in the face with a fork. Repeatedly.

“The real problem here is” Mike chimed in, trying to stop the bickering before it started “what movie do we watch?”  
There was a lot of shuffling around and, as they picked the film, Eddie stood up and said “I'll make pop-corn, and fill up the glasses and everything.”  
“That's my wife” Richie commented, eyes still fixed on the wide movie collection, but still smirking; the night was going extremely well, without his stomach trying to make its way up his throat whenever he saw Eddie's face.

When Eddie was finished preparing everything, he sat down on the kitchen counter for a while, just letting everything sink in.  
Bill found him like that, with his eyes closed and an overall peaceful expression “Everything f-f-fine here, Eddie?”  
“Sure thing, Billy” he answered, hopping off “just thinking a little bit. Help me with those?”  
They made their way in the living room, where Stan, Bill, and Ben sat on the couch, while Mike was resting in one of the two armchairs, Richie on the other; he quickly grabbed a bowl of popcorn, sitting in on his lap and munching quietly as Mike fumbled with the remote. 

Eddie went over to Richie's seat and looked at him expectantly: they always shared the armchair, with Eddie snuggled up in his embrace.  
“What?” the taller one said, mouth full of food.  
“Can I...” Eddie was suddenly very self-conscious, but all of a sudden Richie's eyes widened and he lifted the bowl from his lap, gesturing for Eddie to sit “Come to daddy.”  
Eddie's face lit up, red, and he smacked his head “Stop it!” 

He quietly shuffled until he was comfortable, with his head on Richie's shoulder and his legs dangling from the armrest.  
Richie, on the other hand, was suddenly very much aware of Eddie's body pressed against him in a way he never was before, feeling his heartbeat accelerate at an impossible rate.  
He tried to concentrate on the film and not on their hands brushing from time to time when they reached into the bowl, and he tried not to feel the tug at his stomach when he accidentally grabbed one of Eddie's fingers instead of pop-corns and the smaller one giggled.

Mike had exchanged a look with Stan, mouthing “It really is as bad as you guys said.”

The two had always looked and acted like boyfriends, but now it was even more accentuated with Richie's obvious enamored gaze and Eddie's unconsciousness. They did seem like lovesick schoolgirls.

As the movie ended, Eddie was fast asleep in Richie's embrace, snoring lightly.  
“Mike” he whispered, brushing the curls from Eddie's face “can you take him upstairs? I'm craving a smoke.”  
“You always do” the other one chuckled, but took his friend in his arms like he weighed nothing – which he probably did.  
“Can I borrow your phone, Ben?” he asked before stepping outside, and the boy gave it to him with a “No worries.”

Richie lit up his cigarette, taking a long puff while the phone rang – _answer, answer, answer..._  
Bev voice came groggy “Ben? What's up? It's late.”

“It's me” Richie said, voice unusually aggravated “Sorry, I needed to talk to you.”  
“Rich!” she said, sounding more awake “Everything okay?”

“Would it be bad if I were attracted to a friend?” he blurted out, deciding not to dance around it; besides that's the way he was – very straightforward.  
“I...” she hesitated a moment, before slowly saying “I don't think so, no. Is it attraction or a crush? It's very different, you know. And you could hurt your friend if you were only attracted to them. But tell me, who's the new one?”  
There was a hint of amusement as she spoke, since it was common for them to discuss some of Richie's best and worst hook-ups; they didn't mean anything, she knew, but she was never one to judge his friends for their life choices.  
“No one” he answered, dumbfounded by her question – _attraction or crush? –, “_ no one.”  
He said it twice, maybe to convince or reassure himself, then wished his friend a goodbye and hung up.

 

– – –

 

Sunday morning rolled around, and Eddie was the first one to get up, unsurprisingly, so he took advantage of that to take a shower.  
He hummed as he closed the door behind him, stepping in the bathtub and letting the water warm him up.  
He shampooed and conditioned his hair, washing them thoroughly; as he stepped outside, he dried himself and proceeded with the moisturizing routine – he had even brought his very personal products from home; that wasn't new at all, he had always been very picky when it came to skin products and only chose the ones that made it feel soft as a baby's bottom, spending an enormous amount of time in the morning and at night to tend to his face and body.

Richie entered the bathroom without thinking, rubbing the sleep off of his tired eyes – and then nearly yelped in a not-so-manly way when he saw Eddie, only with his jeans on, drying his hair with a towel.  
“Hey, 'Chee” he said casually, only a slight blush on his cheeks – because _duh,_ they'd seen each other like that many times and plus, they were best friends, why would that even matter?  
“Hiya, Eds” he smiled sheepishly “sorry to barge in like that – I need to piss so badly.”  
“Always the charmer” Eddie rolled his eyes, stepping outside to give him some privacy.

Just a few minutes later, Richie emerged from the bathroom, yawning – and Eddie _knew_ he'd slept late, like usual.  
“You should go and sleep a little bit more” he smiled softly at the taller one, instinctively running his hands through his locks to get them out of his face, like ha always did “I'll wake you up when breakfast's ready.”  
Richie hummed appreciatively, leaning into his friend's touch, and then padded back into Bill's room.

While he went downstairs, he noticed for the first time since waking up that he hadn't slept in Bill's room, but in the guest room – which only happened when he fell asleep _way_ before the others and they didn't want to wake him up. He was glad he hadn't woken up in the middle of the night, because sometimes he had very bad nightmares and he could use a friend.

When they did sleep in Bill's room, Ben and Mike slept in the sleeping bags, while Stan and Bill always took one side of the bed and Richie and Eddie the other; there were times in which Eddie was particularly mad at Richie and swapped places with Stan, who grumbled but let him get away with it anyway.

As he switched the lights on, he saw a note on the fridge that said _'We are going on a trip nearby. We'll be back on Sunday evening. Feel free to invite your friends over, but don't blow up the house -Mom and dad xx'._  
That had been a sort of routine since Georgie's death – they went away for the weekends for some 'alone time', leaving Bill alone. They weren't bad parents, it was just that after their son's death, sometimes it felt like they forgot they had another one; Bill had learned to live like a ghost most of the time, even though it was not nearly as bad as Richie's situation.

Starting to prepare the pancake mix, Eddie winced at the thought of Maggie and Wentworth, realizing he hadn't been there in a long time, and he probably needed to ask his friend how things were going – even though he guessed the answer was always the same.  
Eddie knew Richie better than anyone and he could read him like an open book, so there was no point in lying to him, unless he was really trying to make Eddie mad.  
He knew that, even if he feigned disinterest, he still felt hurt by being almost ignored for most of his life, and he knew that he occasionally had one-night stands with people just because he wanted to feel something, someone – even though Eddie always tried to tell him that finding someone he really cared about was worth trying.

He sighed as he started making pancakes, grabbing some eggs and bacon to cook in the meantime. So many things had changed in a few days, and sometimes he still felt like he was completely out of the world.  
He had been seeing things differently, _feeling_ things differently, like how soft Richie's hair actually was and how his lips curled when he told one of his stupid jokes.  
“What the fuck?” he whispered to himself, setting the table and waiting for the toasted bread to be ready. When he heard the familiar 'ding', he took a plate for the food and sat it down on the table, rushing upstairs to call everyone.

As he stepped into Bill's room, he frowned noticing that only Mike, Ben and Richie were there.  
He went over to Bill's bed, sitting on the edge of it and looking at Richie's sleeping face – he looked so peaceful and happy, like he was dreaming of something really nice, and Eddie almost felt bad for having to wake him up. Almost.  
Then he licked his friend's cheek, laughing hysterically when he jumped up looking as startled as ever “What the heck?!”  
Mike and Ben sat up too because of the noise, frowning “What the fuck, Eddie?”  
“I made breakfast” he shrugged, already at the door.  
“I love you Eddie, sorry for ever being mad at you” Mike said, grinning and getting up “coming right away.”

As they rushed downstairs, Eddie looked for Bill and Stan.  
He then noticed that Georgie's old room was open – _weird_ –, and he peered inside finding the both of them huddled together on the bed, still asleep.  
“Hey sleepyheads” he chose a different wake-up call for them, leaning against the door frame “breakfast's ready.”  
Bill yawned, stretching, while Stan was blushing hard like had been caught doing something _really bad_ – but then he noticed, Eddie looked just fine and wasn't at all startled by their position.  
“Comin'” Bill mumbled, getting up, so the Jew followed him.

Everyone was already filling their plate, so Eddie sat down on his designated spot next to Richie and started eating too.  
“This is awesome as always, Eddie” Mike said, “I think I'd actually marry you if I were gay.”  
Eddie froze with his fork mid air, dropping it. It clattered loudly on the plate and everyone turned to him, confused, as he looked crestfallen – _If I were gay – marry you – gay –_ he stood up abruptly, “I need to use the bathroom.”

He rushed upstairs, almost tripping on his way there, and just shut the door and leaned against it, feeling an asthma attack come.  
“Oh come on” he wheezed “you haven't had one in ages. Don't give up now.”

After what felt like forever, someone pushed through the open door, and Eddie distantly heard Richie whisper reassuring words into his hair, hugging him close to his chest. He then put his spare inhaler – _why does he even carry it anymore?_ –, in Eddie's mouth, pressing “Okay count with me Eds, one – two – three, go!”  
They repeated the process for another time until Eddie could finally breathe again.

“What was that about?” Richie whispered, still hugging him “You scared the shit out of me.”  
“I don't know” Eddie lied “I just felt like I couldn't breathe all of a sudden. Good ol' times.”  
His tone was bitter, but Richie took his chin in his hand and forced him to look at him in the eyes “Hey, don't. I'll always be here for you, Eds, I got you.”  
And as Eddie gazed in his friend's eyes, he couldn't bring himself to scold him for that stupid nickname, he couldn't do anything but star at his brown irises as he tucked some stray curls behind his ear, like in a trance.

As he shook himself out of it, after a few minutes or even more, he whispered “I'll be there in a sec, I need to wash my face, but you go.”  
Richie bit his lip but nodded, leaving the room, and as Eddie closed the door behind him, leaning once again against it, he whisper-yelled “ _Shit_ , I think I'm falling for Richie."

 

 


End file.
